Tell me how he fucked you

  We held each other for a long while. He circled my mound through lace panties till she began to bubble.  He dipped and probed and ripped a hole in my fishnets.  He slid under the covers and moved to taste. For a long time he stayed there lapping, tasting and probing till I erupted onto his mouth. Then he pushed my knees back and spread me wide. He slowly circled my lips and clit with his hardness.  I was pushing my hips toward him to receive,  but he kept teasing me. He pushed my face away and pushed his fingers into my mouth and instinctively I sucked them. Then he plumbed my cunt in a slow heavy push.  He fucked my cunt with my hands held fast at my sides, then put my legs over his shoulder.  The bed scooted on the wooden floor with every thrust.  I was shuddering with pleasure.  Then he turned me over and gripped my hair and fucked me from behind.  He spanked and gripped my ass with one hand while gripping my hair tight in his fist with the other. His cock curves so perfectly upward into me this way. I circled my soaking pussy with my fingers and thrust my ass up high to take him in. Harder and deeper he pummeled me till my walls shook as they squeezed him. I begged as I came for him to cum on my face.....

Today my heart beats hard

One year ago today I was distraught and filled with hurt thinking about the horrible experience of taking control of my fathers end of life care when, to my surprise, an old friend came to me with healing words and a familiar smile. I had almost forgotten him. He was from my home, he knew me already and we comforted each other for we both had been used up and scarred. He was older than me and a bit rough around the edges. I liked that about him. He was deeply wounded and filled with a longing to be in love. So he decided to love me. He courted me with words. He tried hard to make it work in his heart, but deep down he knew he was broken beyond repair. He kept at it though. He played along thinking it was possible still to love. He definitely enjoyed my attributes. I will do no good explaining further the positive aspects of this experience because the fact of the matter is that I feel absolutely gutted. I am not over what happened with this man and I'm trying to not dwell on it. I've never been hurt so bad. Two men plague my head space every minute of my day lately. I feel like I need an exorcism.

 

chant

Again, found in my journal
September 24, 1994

NIPSON ANOMENA NEMONAN OPSIN
I wash my soul not only my face

There are quite a few chants in this particular journal.  This one I wanted to share.  It is good for water ritual.  On the page it is scrawled I have drawn a woman on a swing in her ritual robes of linen.  The swing is suspended from the word soul.  I feel I haven't really changed all that much.

Visitors

So I've been digging through old entries in my dream journals.

August 15, 1996

I dreamed that Charlies hands were tired, but he tried to help me anyway.  There was an odd sexual tone, a desire, but I was too self conscious to act upon it.  Aliens in the field.  I ran saying "take me" to a distant one and "I love.." to the one hovering directly above.  I look down only to see a patch of thick grass and weeds.  The aliens then levitated a bucket of water and poured it onto the thick strip of vegetation, then proceeded to ascend into the stars.  Running inside, climbing dry soil.  I know it was a test.

Feed the good wolf

  

In my dream last night he was back again. This time to tell me all the reasons why he did what he did. I really don't want to know actually. Nor do I wish to be enlightened as to The reasons why he did what he did in the manner in which he chose to do it. I just wanted my words on paper, the colors and lines and all the beauty from my heart I sent back. Those treasures were for someone who loves me. He lied. He pushed and pushed for me to trust him and then he turned his back like a coward. I don't want someone so ugly and selfish to have my devoted time and love. I give him too much power as it is. I need the closure he never gave.  I told him I didn't care what he thought about why it wasn't working and that I just wanted The letters back. He told me maybe we could make it work now. That now he sees that he had made a bad choice. I got very angry at this and demanded the letters back. He laughed at this. I woke up after a series of dreams involving hyper color shorts and a rowing machine.




It's been a long time since I've felt anything toward him.  I am happy to be on my own and deserve to have meaningful relationships with like minded people who care.  He is not one of those people.  I enjoy time to myself and am not missing him. So I gather that my dream is my brains' way of sifting through my emotions after not really getting any closure from him.  I also assume the presence of such a emotionally painful dream at this point in my life is due to current circumstances.  So many changes happening in my hood these days.

Found in an old journal

February 8, 2004

   I swore never to write any entries of a sexual nature in this journal, but alas, I cannot resist.  I'd burn for all eternity if could have the sinful pleasures I so desire.  If only there was a fantasy place where we were free to be any creature we wished. I would love to make love to him sheathed in immortal skin. I wish to fly through the darkness of night skies and seduce my prey. Pale, marble skin and crystal eyes flash in the moonlight.  My jaws twitch at the smell of blood pumping through live flesh. I've always had these fantasies.  It surprises me that even now I fantasize about such girlish notions.  I can hear and feel the pulse of another existence beneath the surface of reality. I imagine him as an animalistic, powerful demon. He takes me in his arms, sinks his teeth into my flesh and orgasms beyond human comprehension explode throughout my entire body. Waves of desire and lust overpower all previous feelings of fear. Let go Melissa...  Drift away to a secret, dark pit of sin. All the love of darkness filling my thoughts must mean something. It is so easy to romanticize the image of him. I've already changed him. Turned him into this powerful creature that really only exists in books and movies.

Studio kiss

In this dream I come to the studio in my little pale rose printed blouse and jeans. I'm wearing my painting apron the kids made me at the preschool. I walk up to the studio next to Seth's and edge toward the open door. There you sit at a large wooden desk. Busy with work. I peek very carefully over the threshold to see if it's really you. I see your beautiful face illuminated by the lamp. It's night and you've been tinkering with something that has you puzzled. I move back behind the wall out of sight. I'm not going in there. What am I doing? I should leave, but I don't. I wring my hands and bite my lip struggling to make a decision. So I walk away toward the stairwell to leave. As I begin to descend the marble steps I look back over my shoulder to see the light from your studio one last time. Only this time I see your eyes peering around the threshold in the warm light. I'm caught. I smile at you. You look hard and long into me. I come closer and you go back into the room. I walk in and you're at your desk in a big office chair. Your back is to the desk and you're eating some kind of candy. I take in your scent and my body responds. You have a studio mate and he's having a craft party. He and his friends are making costumes and weapons out of black, midnight blue and dark purple glow in the dark tape. I'm sitting in a chair next to you chatting with your friend. Hes very excited about this crazy sword he made. It's ridiculously long and I'm stifling laughter because he's so serious about it. He starts to dance and waves the sword around like he's a Kung Fu movie star. Then I feel myself being pulled backward in my chair into you. You spin my chair and you put me in your lap. You run your hands into my hair and breathe me in. I'm lying on my back in your arms looking up into your eyes. My feet are propped up on the desk. You ask me very quietly with your mouth so close to mine "What kind of magic did you bring with you to Washington?" I said I haven't shared ritual here with anyone yet. You lift my face to yours and say "It's time you did."  The last thing I remember is you telling me it's not a kiss if you're only sharing candy. You then put your mouth to mine and I reach for the sweet spheres you offer with my tongue. One by one you slowly move these delicious little round candies into my mouth. I try hard not to kiss you, but our lips are sweet and molten lava is swelling in my chest. I very carefully move my lips along yours never breaking the seal and letting the candies flow from you to me. I suck the very tip of your tongue as I take another candy. You kiss back slow and careful. We kissed for hours it seemed. I woke up with your arms still wrapped around me drinking from my mouth.