Tuesday, October 2, 2012
In my dream last night he was back again. This time to tell me all the reasons why he did what he did. I really don't want to know actually. Nor do I wish to be enlightened as to The reasons why he did what he did in the manner in which he chose to do it. I just wanted my words on paper, the colors and lines and all the beauty from my heart I sent back. Those treasures were for someone who loves me. He lied. He pushed and pushed for me to trust him and then he turned his back like a coward. I don't want someone so ugly and selfish to have my devoted time and love. I give him too much power as it is. I need the closure he never gave. I told him I didn't care what he thought about why it wasn't working and that I just wanted The letters back. He told me maybe we could make it work now. That now he sees that he had made a bad choice. I got very angry at this and demanded the letters back. He laughed at this. I woke up after a series of dreams involving hyper color shorts and a rowing machine.
It's been a long time since I've felt anything toward him. I am happy to be on my own and deserve to have meaningful relationships with like minded people who care. He is not one of those people. I enjoy time to myself and am not missing him. So I gather that my dream is my brains' way of sifting through my emotions after not really getting any closure from him. I also assume the presence of such a emotionally painful dream at this point in my life is due to current circumstances. So many changes happening in my hood these days.