Today my heart beats hard

One year ago today I was distraught and filled with hurt thinking about the horrible experience of taking control of my fathers end of life care when, to my surprise, an old friend came to me with healing words and a familiar smile. I had almost forgotten him. He was from my home, he knew me already and we comforted each other for we both had been used up and scarred. He was older than me and a bit rough around the edges. I liked that about him. He was deeply wounded and filled with a longing to be in love. So he decided to love me. He courted me with words. He tried hard to make it work in his heart, but deep down he knew he was broken beyond repair. He kept at it though. He played along thinking it was possible still to love. He definitely enjoyed my attributes. I will do no good explaining further the positive aspects of this experience because the fact of the matter is that I feel absolutely gutted. I am not over what happened with this man and I'm trying to not dwell on it. I've never been hurt so bad. Two men plague my head space every minute of my day lately. I feel like I need an exorcism.

 

chant

Again, found in my journal
September 24, 1994

NIPSON ANOMENA NEMONAN OPSIN
I wash my soul not only my face

There are quite a few chants in this particular journal.  This one I wanted to share.  It is good for water ritual.  On the page it is scrawled I have drawn a woman on a swing in her ritual robes of linen.  The swing is suspended from the word soul.  I feel I haven't really changed all that much.

Visitors

So I've been digging through old entries in my dream journals.

August 15, 1996

I dreamed that Charlies hands were tired, but he tried to help me anyway.  There was an odd sexual tone, a desire, but I was too self conscious to act upon it.  Aliens in the field.  I ran saying "take me" to a distant one and "I love.." to the one hovering directly above.  I look down only to see a patch of thick grass and weeds.  The aliens then levitated a bucket of water and poured it onto the thick strip of vegetation, then proceeded to ascend into the stars.  Running inside, climbing dry soil.  I know it was a test.

Feed the good wolf

  

In my dream last night he was back again. This time to tell me all the reasons why he did what he did. I really don't want to know actually. Nor do I wish to be enlightened as to The reasons why he did what he did in the manner in which he chose to do it. I just wanted my words on paper, the colors and lines and all the beauty from my heart I sent back. Those treasures were for someone who loves me. He lied. He pushed and pushed for me to trust him and then he turned his back like a coward. I don't want someone so ugly and selfish to have my devoted time and love. I give him too much power as it is. I need the closure he never gave.  I told him I didn't care what he thought about why it wasn't working and that I just wanted The letters back. He told me maybe we could make it work now. That now he sees that he had made a bad choice. I got very angry at this and demanded the letters back. He laughed at this. I woke up after a series of dreams involving hyper color shorts and a rowing machine.




It's been a long time since I've felt anything toward him.  I am happy to be on my own and deserve to have meaningful relationships with like minded people who care.  He is not one of those people.  I enjoy time to myself and am not missing him. So I gather that my dream is my brains' way of sifting through my emotions after not really getting any closure from him.  I also assume the presence of such a emotionally painful dream at this point in my life is due to current circumstances.  So many changes happening in my hood these days.

Found in an old journal

February 8, 2004

   I swore never to write any entries of a sexual nature in this journal, but alas, I cannot resist.  I'd burn for all eternity if could have the sinful pleasures I so desire.  If only there was a fantasy place where we were free to be any creature we wished. I would love to make love to him sheathed in immortal skin. I wish to fly through the darkness of night skies and seduce my prey. Pale, marble skin and crystal eyes flash in the moonlight.  My jaws twitch at the smell of blood pumping through live flesh. I've always had these fantasies.  It surprises me that even now I fantasize about such girlish notions.  I can hear and feel the pulse of another existence beneath the surface of reality. I imagine him as an animalistic, powerful demon. He takes me in his arms, sinks his teeth into my flesh and orgasms beyond human comprehension explode throughout my entire body. Waves of desire and lust overpower all previous feelings of fear. Let go Melissa...  Drift away to a secret, dark pit of sin. All the love of darkness filling my thoughts must mean something. It is so easy to romanticize the image of him. I've already changed him. Turned him into this powerful creature that really only exists in books and movies.

Studio kiss

In this dream I come to the studio in my little pale rose printed blouse and jeans. I'm wearing my painting apron the kids made me at the preschool. I walk up to the studio next to Seth's and edge toward the open door. There you sit at a large wooden desk. Busy with work. I peek very carefully over the threshold to see if it's really you. I see your beautiful face illuminated by the lamp. It's night and you've been tinkering with something that has you puzzled. I move back behind the wall out of sight. I'm not going in there. What am I doing? I should leave, but I don't. I wring my hands and bite my lip struggling to make a decision. So I walk away toward the stairwell to leave. As I begin to descend the marble steps I look back over my shoulder to see the light from your studio one last time. Only this time I see your eyes peering around the threshold in the warm light. I'm caught. I smile at you. You look hard and long into me. I come closer and you go back into the room. I walk in and you're at your desk in a big office chair. Your back is to the desk and you're eating some kind of candy. I take in your scent and my body responds. You have a studio mate and he's having a craft party. He and his friends are making costumes and weapons out of black, midnight blue and dark purple glow in the dark tape. I'm sitting in a chair next to you chatting with your friend. Hes very excited about this crazy sword he made. It's ridiculously long and I'm stifling laughter because he's so serious about it. He starts to dance and waves the sword around like he's a Kung Fu movie star. Then I feel myself being pulled backward in my chair into you. You spin my chair and you put me in your lap. You run your hands into my hair and breathe me in. I'm lying on my back in your arms looking up into your eyes. My feet are propped up on the desk. You ask me very quietly with your mouth so close to mine "What kind of magic did you bring with you to Washington?" I said I haven't shared ritual here with anyone yet. You lift my face to yours and say "It's time you did."  The last thing I remember is you telling me it's not a kiss if you're only sharing candy. You then put your mouth to mine and I reach for the sweet spheres you offer with my tongue. One by one you slowly move these delicious little round candies into my mouth. I try hard not to kiss you, but our lips are sweet and molten lava is swelling in my chest. I very carefully move my lips along yours never breaking the seal and letting the candies flow from you to me. I suck the very tip of your tongue as I take another candy. You kiss back slow and careful. We kissed for hours it seemed. I woke up with your arms still wrapped around me drinking from my mouth.

Farm lover

Over the past two nights I've had some intense dreams.  I feel like letting them out here. Last night I dreamed I was floating around on a pool raft naked looking for a place to tether myself so I could play with myself while floating. It was a warm, sunny afternoon and the wind in the trees was all I could hear.  I was very afraid of being caught.  I was floating around a flooded building outside.  As if there had been a massive flood and the water level went up to the first floor inside and out.  The water was clear and Caribbean blue.  I had friends there floating and tethered taking naps.  I had to avoid them for fear of being caught as well.  There were demons on the roof and they were going to eat me if they found me.


 This next dream is especially weird because it's about someone I've never met in person.  Social networks on mobile devices and computers have brought a new way of communicating to the table for everyone using them.  I have formed cyber relations in different places with tons of people all over the world. Mainly on sights that share photos.  I have never dreamed of any of these people until the other night.  

The night before last....
 I dreamed it was dark and smelled of a storm front outside. There were wild flowers and tall grasses whipping in the wind making this oceanic sound.  We were on a farm and the animals were really loud because they were getting spooked.  The air was charged with electricity.  I was with this man in the cab of a farm truck,we were under a soft, red blanket. He breathed on my neck and pushed his body close to spoon mine.  My back was to him and he began kissing my shoulders and caressing my hips. He delicately pulled the shoulders of my night gown down to reveal my back. I could feel his breath on my spine which made me shudder and writhe.  I felt his calloused hands start to explore my thighs as he said my name into my ear. My night gown was being pulled up to my waist and he gripped it tight so as to hold me in place. I felt the fabric stretch across my belly as he pressed his manhood against my round, delicious ass.  I wasn't supposed to be with him.  He was off limits.  I felt him grip a handful of my hair.  He slowly pulled at it hard at the scalp as he  played with my body.  I couldn't help but let him.  I wanted him intensely. I turned over to kiss his mouth for the first time. I had been fantasizing about this very moment for months.  I ran my tongue just barely along his lower lip as he drank of my full, beautiful mouth.  He cupped my breasts in his hands and twisted my nipples between his fingers while pressing his knee at my most secret place.  Once he registered the moisture he knew I was ready.  We looked into each others eyes and lightening blasted at full volume close by. He flipped me back over and pushed his huge cock into me while holding me tight and warm.  It was the most incredible feeling ever.  I pushed him away and out. I turned over and took the red blanket and hid underneath it.  I explored with my hands to find what I wanted.  I licked my lips and slowly began to take him into my mouth.  The sounds he made were so sweet. Suddenly we heard people running toward the truck and we had to stop.  I woke up melting into my covers alone in my night gown trying to think of a way to get back to the dream.  I figure it's closest to the perfect lover I'm going to get.  They're always so attentive and sexy in your dreams you know?  You do not have to teach them how to do things right (not that there's anything wrong with that).  They just know you, because it is you.  Yet it is you in the form of your dream lover.  How sweet that was.  I want to go back.

Heart Surgery

So my ex's new girlfriend and I aren't the best of friends and we don't really know each other all that well.  Two days ago she sent me a message because she had a very intense dream and I was in it.  What's so crazy about this is I've been feeling this pain in my heart due to lack of crushy blushy love in my life.  Shawn Christie all but destroyed my ability to open up with guys.  I'm lonely, but I want and deserve something amazing and beautiful.  That's what I have to offer.  It's not too much to hope for I think.  I have been hurting while my friends are breaking up all around me.  This dream is riddled with symbolism.  I feel the universe is telling me to open up and free my heart.  I am not sure what it takes for me to get to that place in my heart, but this interaction with her is a good start.

I took part of my day off from work today because I felt particularly tired. I decided to nap, which I rarely do. During that nap, I had one of the most intense dreams I can remember. You were in it, and I think you need to hear what happened.

You were a heart surgeon and I was your first assist. My job was to stand beside you during open-heart surgeries and hand you tools and sometimes correct you if you were about to make a critical error. Our scrubs were bright blue and we had surgical masks hanging casually around our necks. It was a group of 12 people, you and I included, and we were all scrubbing up for a heart transplant.

Often, when a donor heart arrives, the cardiothoracic team refers to it as Dr. (insert last name here)’s heart.

A deliveryman (UPS? FedEx? Who the fuck delivers organs?) barges in to the surgery suite, and shoves a box into the hands of a random nurse. After getting over the initial shock of a non-sterile intruder, you outstretch your clean, wet hands towards it.

“That’s mine,” you say sternly, “give it to me.”

The nurse hesitantly obeys, and you rip the package open revealing a human heart. We all stand there looking at it, half in awe, half in horror of the possible contamination. You reach down and pick it up, clutching it in your bare hands.

Then you sink your teeth into it.

You take HUGE, slow bites out of it. It seemed like you hadn’t eaten in 3 months, and this heart was the first bit of food you’d encountered. What was so shocking, though, was the blood. With each bite, BRIGHT red, freshly oxygenated blood poured from every coronary artery. It seeped between your fingers and ran down your forearms. It covered your face and neck. There was a puddle collecting on the floor.

The rest of the cardiothoracic team just stood there, shocked. Finally, I stopped you.

“Doctor, what the FUCK are you doing to your heart?”

You broke down after that. You began sobbing, and even put your face in your bloody hands.

“I fix people’s hearts. That’s my job,” you answered.

You peered at the mangled, half eaten heart now resting on the floor.

“Look at my heart now. Who is going to fix this?”

The rest of my dreaming was completely nonsensical, so I’ll leave it out.

Dreaming along

I have always had such intense and vivid dreams my whole life.  For the past twenty four years I've kept a dream log or journal off and on.  I remember dreams from my childhood still to this day.  I feel there's just something to this one so I'm posting it.

I dreamed of living in a crazy loft apt and Kelleen n Quinn had moved in while I was out at the grocery store. We were talking about their baby being on it's way while washed veggies in the sink. Quinn was watching dirt bike races on tv. Kellen and i were admiring the woodwork in the loft when the moulding around one of the thresholds I was leaning on  just came clean off. I then realized the place was a set for a film. Next thing I know I've got a crew of friends coming to this restaurant I love (in dream space) and I hadn't paid it a visit in a long time. So we get inside and it's being run by these big stocky Russian ladies. They're not friendly and this one lady ushers us into a filthy lounge where the only open tables are too small and littered with the previous diners' dishes. The other people eating at the restaurant stopped abruptly and stared at us. One very chunky young woman in a short sun dress was sitting on her table exposing her polka dot pantied rear end to everyone with her family sitting at the table.  I turned to face my hostess and asked her what happened to this place. She had lilac eyeshadow all over her face as if it were foundation. She snarled at me and grabbed me by the arm. I yanked my arm out of her grip and started yelling "Where's the manager of this place?!" I was so angry that she had laid hands on me. I stomped over to the register where this sullen old man was sitting looking absolutely drained of all happiness. I asked him for the owners info and told him they should all be ashamed of themselves for being so filthy and rude. I marched out hungry and still a bit cranky and walked to the parking lot to my group of friends waiting outside. Now before I was with people I've known all my life.  My group had changed into a different bunch of people. In my dream I knew them, but in waking life I can't imagine who they are. There were three or four guys dressed like they were in a wedding or going to a business meeting.  I carried on about how crazy that lady was for having purple powdered eyeshadow all over her face till this man interrupts me by handing me a coconut popsicle. Another guy is suddenly in front of me with a camera telling me to pose with it for a picture. I wrap my mouth around it and lasciviously suck the cold fruity goodness right off the stick in one motion. Then I blew them both a kiss, turned on my heel and sauntered off into a beautiful jewelry store across the parking lot. It had no storefront. I just walked right into this room with purple walls, green carpet and an orange ceiling. I held my chin up high as if I could afford anything in the place as I passed the lady running the store. At the far end of the room was the Tiffany show case. Now what's so strange to me in retrospect is I don't give a hoot about designer jewelry. I love sparkly things and antique jewelry, but I don't care much for diamonds. There were bracelets carved out of rare milky jades adorned with tiny diamonds and hand tooled flowers. The most impressive display was this mirrored wall with glass shelves. On each little shelf there were black velvet panther figurines with all diamond jewelry cleverly placed on their bodies. One wore a tennis bracelet worth thousands draped like a saddle blanket on it's back. Another had tiny diamond rings perched on each furry black ear. The all had bright diamond eyes. I suddenly startled awake for no reason really. My friend last night dreamed we were in a languid lagoon sipping tea while deep under water. She said there were trinkets everywhere and that my hair swirled in the water like ribbons of fire.
  Life's been pretty crazy lately and it's been a spell since I've remembered my dreams. I'm glad I remembered this one and I'm glad she remembered hers too.

Might as well live

Yellow paper dress
Fragrant flower in my hair
Whiskey smoke tongue
licking sizzle chops
Bass on lock
moon roof open
smell of summer
contemplating
Swinging to the stars
Synchronized musical swayback
I nudge my slides off
Getting into the rhythm
Red shiny ribbons of spun silk
Thunder in tendrils
Back and forth
Back and forth
unknown territory
Enthralled
Elated
Rumbling with love
A thousand petals unfurl
From deep inside my core
Breath of life
Wanton
Ready
Yellow paper dress
Swirling up as I soar
Rustling soft baby chick yellow
Kissing my thighs
Feather touching my hips
Unveiling Vessa legs
Kicking in the wind
Toes spread
feet arched
Giggling at the dip
Upside down
Eyes open
Taut like a peach
About to burst forth
In this heat
Leaving little fires everywhere I go
Singing to myself
Gripping the silver flask
with my little pony legs
unscrewing the lid
Singing
Dreaming
Sipping
Always dancing

Notes found in my book

I'm using my phone to post so these past few are coming through all wonky. It's the only computer I have. So bear with me....... I'll build my garden You could come show me your horticultural skills..... I think it sucks being lonely and being sad after getting my heart stomped, but as I reflect on the past year I'm thinking I'd rather be broken hearted, lonely and alone than broken hearted, lonely and still in a failing relationship… Ferris Wheel chat-
 The meat of the program is controlling all that switching You can look, but you can never look away The wheel has you. Smoke and whiskey isn't gonna get us anywhere Just don't be too bad or don't get caught… ……
 I want to be surprised sometime, like I do when I come around. Someone to play with the braids I came with tonight. I want to be taken in better than I've ever known. Blow me away with the most formidable acumen and insight I've ever encountered... Tell me you not only understand, but can challenge me. I am so wild and impenetrable...  …Animatronic Xmas deer yard decor are terrifying...... I need to be a black glitter shadow....... In generosity and helping others BE LIKE A RIVER

How it once was

I found this while digging through my notes. I remember feeling this way. It went into a really intense love letter. I think I'm going to start writing love letters again, but this time they'll be to me. A love letter written long ago............. Blackest of black Gouache spreads in branches across thick aquarelle. The dendrites reach out for new thoughts and expressions. Tonight I paint the bottoms of my feet in red ochre. They leave tiny red prints on the page.... Vessatrax.   I make my signals to you from across the gleaming cities and freeways. Quick, slow, quick quick, slow. My chest is heaving as I pant like a wolf. My breasts quiver like puppys begging to be pet and nuzzled. I run through the night with my bow and arrows ready to pierce your sacred heart of hearts. My hair smells of oakmoss and white patchouli. I run with my pack of spirit animals hunting for nourishment. Lusting for knowledge. The stars and moon flow through my veins and I am ignited by your fiery ways. Any girl who could resist your advances is a blind fool. I think about lying my ear to your chest and hearing your poetry flow from within you. I am enamored of your wanton words and animated stories. I cannot wait to stroke your hair and sing you to sleep. Can't see the waxing moon when you're surrounded in city. I want to watch the moon with you. I'd build a moon with you. We could start from scratch.

Sunday Night is WHERE

At least that's what I told her. Who reads this? Gathered petals that gave with ease and were intoxicatingly fragrant I put the petals to work in my hands and created a symbol on the ground with their sweet alabaster cursive lines Anyone who lays eyes on it will smile Some might wince with pain <3༤ཉེོད་༠༄

Crazy heart

If I never see that man ever again it'll be too soon. I had such a beautiful morning stroll through the p patch. I talked to the lovely creatures growing there and was headed to work when lo and behold he's driving up to me and staring me right in the eyes. Deflated and confused I went into work. I wish he'd move to Siberia or stop eyeballing me right when I get to work. I guess what I really would like is for it to stop hurting. I tried to lift my spirits on my lunch break by basking in the sun surrounded by the beautiful flowers, but I just ended up crying in the sun surrounded by beautiful flowers. When will I stop feeling this way? 

When the working day is done

The weekend was spent painting, dancing, creating and of course drinking.  I'm proud to say my best friends' wife, who just so happens to be a fearie, has landed the led light design gig on the new ferris wheel on Elliot Bay for the fourth.  I was sucked into the program of the wheel for a long time.  Dancing at Soul Night was absolutely what I needed.  We were soaked when we left.  I ran through the sprinklers and woke up in their California King sized bed in my panties.  Those kids are so fun.  I just wish I could get away from everything for a season.  My love in the Great North wants me to join her in working the blueberry harvest.  I really wish I could.  I'd love nothing better than to just go work on a farm with my best friend and give my sweat, skin and song to the Earth.  The city is getting to me.  We self medicate to tolerate the insideous nastiness of this way of life.  Stories and songs are realized here.  There's so much beauty here that I see everyday, but the soil calls me.  I crave cultivation, community, and rest.  The party never ends it seems. My talents are not being wasted, but my potential has not been fully realized here. I see them watch me watch them watching me. I stuffed my pockets with rose petals.  I pulled the heads off of the ones that surround the park.  They were going to fall off any minute. I was careful to only take the ones that gave with ease. Like fruit. Like me.   I dream of having my own garden.  I dream of being free and loved. Either I have a gaurdian angel, or it's a severe stroke of luck that I haven't been approached at either swing set.  I'm relieved that my audience leaves me be. Several people came out and shot off fireworks.  It was very climactic for me because I was really into my full swing mode and had started launching rose petals into the air while touching the tree with my toes. 

In the Garden a year later

Twisted red loops fitted with black elastic
mother of pearl dripping
from her earlobes
painted on her nails
abalone
labradorite
dusts the wood with metals
precious
reflective and pearlescent
visits peoples gardens
works the soil in the sun
planting with children
dreaming of her own garden
earthly delights
flowers mist the air
with sex and rain
click goes the camera
a tangle of emotions
captured, reflected
sent out to touch
to taste
to dance upon your eyes
to touch again and again
this gypsy mermaid
casts her bioluminescent net out to sea
in hopes of a remarkable catch
sings prairie songs
on the swingset
leaves trails of petals to her front door
the swings leave bruises on her arms
dream lovers
tesser actors
softest mouth
most careful caresses
No one is watching
secret hideout
say my name in that place
when you come

Country Roads

The sun was so warm. The heat was pressing against my body as if I were in a pressure cooker. Instead of feeling exhausted and gross I just shed clothes and got in the water. My skin darkened, my senses awakened to the sounds of millions of cicadas, the smell of fresh cut grass and bbq, and the taste of fresh picked peaches and sweet icetea. Sweaty, sumptuous and free I soaked up the flavors and sounds of my hometown. Day trips to childhood places that I thought would shred my soul turned out to be journeys to enlightenment, strength and whole truths. The nights were drenched in laughter, furtive glances, healing music and sneaky missions. Whiskey trickled and tequila flowed down our thirsty throats. Our glasses full, stories on the table and the corridors of our hearts open wide as we reconnected. Like a wound that took a decade to bridge and grow anew we reached out to each other to form a sexy scar that no longer hurt, just made a story.  We came together with careful tentacles reaching pensively in search of love, patience, honesty and mind blowing excitement. We are the music makers, we are the dreamers of dreams.  The hardest task on my journey home was to face the most horrific relic of my childhood. My dads house and the surrounding land has only offered miserable pain in my adult life. Shame, fear, resentment and great loss are soaked into the walls, yard and garage.  On the way my friend asks me "Why do you want to see it?", "Are you sure you need to go there?" ... I had no solid answer other than I must go. To my absolute astonishment I found the house had been rebuilt and the land cleared of all signs of what used to be. The wildflowers were ten feet high and the Texas grapes still littered the dirt road. My heart was filled with light. I was spared the hell that I was willingly walking into.   As if I couldn't have felt more healed, a dove lighted near us in the yard and was obviously very comfortable to be close. It was like a layer of emotional sludge had been lifted. It reminded me of the bath house in "Spirited Away" when she finds the bicycle and pulls it out of the side of the massive pile of sewage and all the garbage is released in a great expulsion. Then the river god was free of the poisons that had not spoiled it's beauty, just buried it. 

Beastly

They want to eat me alive. That's how they look at me. I feel like a curvaceous, wanton woman on the outside. Inside I am magma, razor wire and poison smoke. He infected me with his disease. I am now numb. No one can touch me. I used to throw my arms out to embrace and love. Now I turn away, cold and angry. I feel this rumbling storm inside me. I just have to paint, dance and write it out. An old friend came calling with crackling fire stories. I am indifferent, aloof, unimpressed. What a pity. This gipsy cowgirl craves release, revolution, seduction and to seduce. I am empty, hurt and dangerous. I don't know what to do with this power, this horrible, cold blade in my mouth. I'm afraid I will shred all suitors who dare to take my hand. Best keep to myself during this time. I'm sure I learned how to be more guarded after what happened.  At least there's that. However I never thought in a million years I'd have to fight myself this way. I am strong. I am a survivor, but it's going to take a lot of self discipline to forge a new path to hope.

Go it alone

I have had to tough out, cower, fight and run. There's never been someone to run to. I have no mother, no father. I feel like an abandoned project from space. Like I was being built to last somewhere far away by highly skilled creatures who were interrupted by some kind of cataclysm. Like I was sent in a pod to Earth so that I could live, but always to be alone. When I am at my most sad, which is rare, there's no one to call for comfort. Ever. My mother left me and I still hurt so much. I remember the last time I laid on her chest and listened to her heart. I remember the last time her voice and arms brought comfort. I don't know why this is hitting me so damn hard lately. This Texas trip has got me shaking in my boots. I'm so tired of being the black sheep. I want to go home and feel the support from all of those loved ones that used to be my family. I know everything is going to be ok, but I also know I'll be making sure of that on my own.

Stinging eyes

Ragamuffin Singing on the swingset
 Tired eyes
Slowly burning
Worn edges
 Rough cut
She can't be tethered
Nor tied
Always a Rosalyn
 This precious gem
  Cleavage planes
glinting in the moonlight
  Singing into the wind
Barefoot soldier
 A rainstorm in her soul
 Lighting in her veins
Thunder from her heart

Untitled

Layers of love stories
piles of precious velvet
lay thick and  heavy upon my heart.
I pull away each layer
 to dig out my soul,
 but I keep lingering on memories.
 They hum and whisper sweet songs that were made just for me.
  I get caught by a stitch or burn.
 Lose myself in remembering
our special patterns.
 I can hear the honeybees buzzing in my red delicious heart.
They remind me
I am queen.
So i continue digging
through soft, luxurious fabric
doing my best
not to linger here
or digress.
I'm on a mission
 I want to love
to be loved back
but I fear
adding another layer over my heart.
I don't want to bury her
She's a good and sturdy vessel.

Broken

This fantasy cowgirl
With lightning bug powers
Brought forth with fervent joy
All of her milky treasures
Exposed the secret places of her desires
She let herself be taken
Dropped her protective shell
Shared her cursive lines 
Gave it all away like a fool
See his face in puddles
bend down to kiss the street
A garbage heap in her  heart
She let him build
Can't help but wait and see
 should be working
Upon her beautiful soul to keep

March 26th 2012 Jupiter, Venus, waxing crescent

Venus, Jupiter and the waxing crescent moon aligned this evening just after dusk.  I went to the studio to paint and had to succumb to the evil cold that has been threatening to take my energy to live for months. I'm going to have to master a table saw and cut a straight line in order to get cracking on the art show.  I know I don't have much time before the art space will be bustling with activity. The sun was out in all it's radiant glory for a few hours today. I am going to drag my baby pool right up to the dock doors and lay in it every weekend for the whole summer if I can manage it.  I can't wait for the weather to change. It's colder in Ballard compared to Capitol Hill.  I HATE living in Ballard, but I do love seeing the stars and swinging in the park at night with out the worry of being mugged.  I have been living in my new place for almost five months now. Alex is a huge part of how I have survived the sad break up with Jeff.  I am very grateful to have such a loving and intelligent being be my son.  I've had so much more alone time since the move.  I realized yesterday that I haven't really had the chance to be a young woman on her own ever.  I had my son at twenty one.  I'm still young, but not so young that I will be dangerous or stupid.  I feel I'll always be wild, daring and free to some extent.  I love my life and am enjoying growing into this version of myself that I dreamed I'd maybe be one day.  I was locked in a perpetual state of insecurity and fear of abandonment for so many years.  Now I see that.  I didn't before.  The same question still plagues my soul....
How to make love stay?

Christie

Deep in my threads
In the currents beneath my shell
Light struggles to escape
Their patterns Bright and wild

You already know and love 
My favorite spring flowers
Those that shamelessly drop their petals early
And set the green moss a blaze
With crimson velvet flames
Like me 
they open for you

Lovesick blues

I'm falling apart waiting for the phone to ring
For you to tell me "It's gonna be okay baby"
I cried the skin off my cheeks today
I spent my hour lunch break bawling like a baby
Sick at the thought of your disapproval 
My hearts a tangled mess
as I think of how much I love you
How I adore you
How could I have ever let you down?
I feel like a thousand twisting snakes are circling my soul
Squeezing myself into a knot of worry
I know I'm just gonna cry myself to sleep tonight
Waiting

Daddy's Girl

waits like  daddy's little girl...
Like a good girl should
Waiting for the flood
Like a flower 
Thirsty for the showers 
There's nothing colder than sleeping without you by my side 
Always wondered
Now it's real
This cowgirl howls
 a prairie song
 From her Texas heart
To yours
It was you the whole time
I never even saw this coming 
Love that's built to last
Good soil
To plant our seeds in
We can't be stopped
You've lit these fires in me
I love you forever

January 10, 2012

The universe keeps us at bay
My mind, heart and soul reels at the possibilities 
I'm ignited
By your spark
I love the way you are taking your time
You've brought something to the table worth my consideration
I will smooth you over as
You move in closer
  

Aldebaran the fiery eye of Taurus the bull

My deepest scars become stories etched in the history of life itself.

Dec 30, 2011

Swings bring a sense that I could fly.
Tonight the stars are bright
and the park is saturated with the sounds
from creaking branches swaying in the wind.
I see the little dipper and Polaris beneath Cassiopeia
small clouds are tearing into swirls
hauling with the speed of a fleet of ghost ships
 lonely vessa on the swing
 a ragamuffin getting ready 
to take flight